Passwords

The Grump was talking with his wife this evening… Grumpette???… and this was our topic:  Internet passwords are a minefield through which there is no rational and effective way to navigate.  Many people like to use the same password for everything, which we all know is not secure, but even if you want to do that no two sites have the same criteria so you can’t do that anyway.  Then there’s two-step authentication, which The Grump grudgingly admits is a good security measure, but it’s a pain in the butt… especially when my phone is in another room and I have to get up to retrieve it.

Now, most sites aren’t too bad, you pick a password and go,  But some are infuriating.  Your “conversation” with the website goes something like this…

  • Website:  Please choose a password.  (And that’s all it says.)
  • You:  abc
  • Website:  Passwords must be between 8 and 16 characters.
  • You:  abcdefgh
  • Website:  Passwords must contain at least one number.
  • You:  abcdefg1
  • Website:  Passwords must contain at least one capital letter.
  • You:  (sigh)  Abcdefg1
  • Website:  Passwords must contain at least one special character.
  • You:  (eye roll) Abcdef1$
  • Website:  No, that that special character.  Chose from the following special characters: @
  • You: (grumble) Abcdef1@
  • Website:  That password is already taken.
  • You:  😐  Abcdef2@
  • Website:  Thank you.  Please proceed.

Ummm… Why didn’t you list your criteria BEFORE I started all this crap?  I mean, really!

Footnote:  I have never used the above passwords, nor even close, nor will I ever.  Go away.

25 People I Hate

“Hate” is such a strong word.  It is often hyperbole, and in the interest of honesty and fairness, I don’t actually hate these people… well, mostly… but they are damned annoying and need to be told so.  So, without further ado, I hate…

  1. People who hate lists like this.  You go do your happy-happy-joy-joy fantasy world elsewhere and leave me to my grumpiness.
  2. Iowa drivers (a common theme here), whether they’re driving a car on the road or a cart in the grocery store.  They’ll hog the left lane under the speed limit, or they’ll leave their cart in the middle of the aisle and wander off.  They have no clue there is someone behind them who wants to get somewhere.
  3. People who see a question on Facebook or in Amazon and respond with, “I don’t know.”  😐  Then the question wasn’t for you, was it, Slick?
  4. People who say “perfect” to every response.  I once had a receptionist in the doctors office ask me my phone number.  After I told her she said, “Perfect.”  😐  Of course it’s ‘perfect’, it’s my phone number and I know it.
  5. People who complain about ‘reply all’.  I’m sorry, but ‘reply all’ is a ‘cover my ass’ feature and has it’s place.  (Just don’t use it willy nilly.)
  6. People who say, “I hate Mondays.”, and, “Thank God it’s Friday.”
  7. Servers who abandon me and don’t check to see if I want a drink refill.
  8. Anything labeled “for your protection”.  It’s almost always for their protection, not mine.
  9. Non-fans at baseball games.  Baseball was so much better when only baseball fans went to games.  Now it’s all about entertainment and dot racing.
  10. People who don’t understand sarcasm.
  11. People who feel the need to “one up” everything someone else does.  (On a serious note, I think it’s a sign of insecurity.)
  12. 60 year old people still trying to look 20 yrs old.
  13. People afraid of the number 13.
  14. People who say, “Thanks for the add.” when approved to join Facebook groups.  Did you really think you’d be declined?
  15. People who won’t commit to something when invited.  You know the person, the one who says, “Sure, unless something better comes up.”
  16. Men who have “Man Caves”.
  17. Women who like Hello Kitty.
  18. People who show up to buy an item you’re selling for $50 then say, “I only have $40 on me.”  Sorry, Skippy, I can direct you to an ATM.  You knew damn well what the asking price is, and we didn’t make a prior agreement, so this is simply you being dishonest.
  19. People who look for a reason to be offended.
  20. People who, in social conversation, always swing the conversation back to themself.
  21. People who forget the “good old days” had their sucky parts, too.
  22. People driving huge vehicles and you watch them and it’s clear they really don’t know how to drive it.
  23. Men who walk in public around shirtless.  I’m sorry, that’s tacky.  Just because you can doesn’t mean you should.
  24. People who don’t know how to park.
  25. People like me.  Seriously.  I get along better with people who are not like me.  People like me annoy the hell out of me.

So there ya go.  Maybe there will be a part two, I don’t know yet.

What Adults Do

Our society is getting too soft, and it’s evidenced by how we are willing… or not… to do certain tasks.

Call me “old school” if you want, but there are things every adult… especially men… should know how to do whether they want to know or not.  One of them is changing a tire.  If you are 18 years of age, and you own and/or drive a vehicle, you should know how to change a tire and you should have done it at least once.

Spare me that you have AAA or some other roadside service.  Don’t be so soft.  Are you an independent adult, or not?

Now, once you know how, I don’t care if you use a roadside service, that’s fine.  But if in a position where said service is not available you won’t be stranded and helpless.

I also believe that everyone, including women, should be routinely checking their own oil and water.  It’s your vehicle, be responsible for it.  Again, if you come to me and say your oil is low, ok, I’ll go fill it, but you need to be responsible and aware of your own vehicle.

Soap Box: Rebates, coupons, and other insidious retail games

I don’t think I’m an unreasonable person.  I just want things to be simple and uncomplicated.  I want to save any thinking and planning for things that are, you know, actually important.  And this filters down into daily activities that should be as drama-free and boring as shopping.

Why does shopping have to be so… annoying?  I mean, it’s bad enough that I have to go out and brave the wilds of rude people, now I have to run the gauntlet of pricing, too?

Maybe it’s just me… it usually is, just ask The Wife Missy… but is it too much to ask that pricing be simple and straight forward?  No games.  No illusions.  No fine print.  Just sell me what I want, at the same price you sell it to everyone else, and let me be on my way.  Is that really too much to ask?

I guess so, as evidenced by some of these offenders…

Local Regional Nursery (plants, not people)

At every sale they give special discount “bucks”. the more you spend the more you get.

The catch:  They expire next month and you can only use it at their store.

Local Regional Grocery Store

Absurdly high prices… averaging 30% more, yes, I’ve done two of my own surveys/studies… coupons and special sales galore.  Plan accordingly, or…

The catch:  …be gouged.

Local Regional Home Improvement Big Box Store

Rebates.  Awesome rebates!  11% rebates.

The catch:  In the form of a gift certificate redeemable only at their store.  So, it’s not really a rebate, it’s an in-store coupon.

All of these tactics are designed to get you to come back, of course… often.  I’m sorry, but no.  I’ve probably collected over $100 worth of nursery “bucks” over years, and never used a one.  I go back when I need to go back.  I only shop the regional grocery store when the stars align and they have a good sale AND I need what’s on sale.  Otherwise, say what you will about the primary big box retail behemoth, at least they respect me enough to give consistently reasonable pricing day in and day out.  And I virtually stopped shopping at that home improvement warehouse store solely because I didn’t like being played like that.

What other underhanded tactics can we see?

Coupons and Rebates in General

Manufacturers and retailers aren’t offering discounts and rebates because they’re swell guys.  It’s a gimmick that most people, including me at times, fall for.  They know full well that most people will never claim a rebate, especially if it requires effort, like putting a stamp on an envelope.  They know full well that people who use a coupon will likely spend more on the higher priced items at the same time.  They get to tout themselves as the good guy while not really risking anything.  It’s a win-win… for them.

The World’s Pre-Eminent Online Retailer

Prices change daily, often hourly.  See an item for $63 today?  It might be $57 tomorrow, $68 the day after, and back to $63 the day after that.  In other words, pay attention, keep coming back, and oh… buy some other stuff in the meantime.

Internet & Cell Phone

New customer?  $50/mo for a year.  Existing customer?  Sorry, you pay your standard $90/mo out-of-contract price.

Airlines

Next time you fly, do a survey of ten people sitting around you.  Chances are you all paid different prices.

Bottom Line…

I shouldn’t have to worry about something as simple as pricing.  At least pretend that you actually value me and my business.  You want to impress me?  You want to really impress me?  Just sell me what I want and let me go on my way happily.  I’ll come back.  Honest.

“I’m done!” Are you, really?

I’m done!

I’m seeing and hearing this a lot, lately. The implication being, of course, that the person is so frustrated with the futility of it all that they’re, well, done, and are going to walk away and pay it no attention from here forward.

Sounds good. Actually, it sounds pretty healthy. Walk away. Ignore that which you cannot change. Or, if you can’t ignore it… sometimes you have to deal with it, let’s be real… at least don’t obsess about it and move forward anyway… the unsaid portion being without bothering others.  I like that.

Unfortunately, based on my observations, at least, it pretty much never seems to actually work out that way. “I’m done!” is just a buzzword* for “I am so frustrated… here, let me tell you!” Because, based on your actions, you are far from done. You’re going to continue to kvetch for the next 30 minutes about what you are supposedly done with. Then, maybe a couple days will go by, and you kvetch some more, finishing again with, “I’m done!”

If it’s an ongoing situation you’re dealing with, all too often you fail to rectify the situation in any timely manner, and continue your kvetching for weeks, months, sometimes with no end in sight. Yet every time you vent, you finish your vent with, “I’m done!”

No, you’re not ‘done’. You’re just venting, and this is the new way to phrase the depth of your frustration. It would be really cool if people meant what they said. But then that’d probably cause even more problems.

*-Did you know that “buzzword” is a buzzword? 😛

Rules to Live By, Vol. 1

Sometimes people simply need to be told, and I’m gonna tell ya.  I’m probably going to have to tell some people that these points are self-explanatory, so here we go…

  1. When a stranger or casual acquaintance asks, “How are you?”, they’re not actually expecting an answer.  (Unless you’re like me when I’m in a mood, and I do answer… in great detail.)
  2. Don’t say, “Ewwww!”, in response to what someone else is eating.
  3. When talking with someone on the phone, don’t talk to someone else in the room.
  4. When visiting someone for a meal, offer to help clean up.  If they decline, offer once more.  If they still decline, drop it!
  5. Don’t take the urinal next to an already occupied urinal, unless no others are available.  This is simple unwritten ‘urinal etiquette’.
  6. When someone else is buying a meal, don’t order the most expensive item.  Try and have them order first, then follow along in the same or lesser price range.  If they insist you order first, pick something somewhere from the cheapest to roughly mid-price.
  7. Always hold the door open for the person behind you, male or female is irrelevant.  Say ‘thank you’ when it is done for you.
  8. Middle names are for use only by mothers when you’re in trouble.
  9. Don’t ask shy or introverted people, “What’s wrong?”, or otherwise bring attention to their quietness.  It only makes them even more self-conscious.
  10. Never… ever… makes plans in front of people you’re not involving.
  11. Close your mouth while chewing/eating.
  12. In the grocery store, when you change your mind about an item, put it back where it properly goes.  Especially do NOT abandon frozen or refrigerated items at random.
  13. If you borrow someone’s car, before you return it fill up the gas tank, and clean out trash (even if not yours).
  14. Don’t let your dog jump on people.  (There is an understandable training period to this.)
  15. Praise publicly and often.
  16. Don’t talk to people while wearing sunglasses.  It’s rude.
  17. Don’t expect someone’s else’s food to get cold just because you haven’t been served yet.
  18. Don’t answer someone’s thoughtful email with just, “k”.
  19. Don’t stop in the middle of a busy sidewalk or aisle.
  20. Don’t read every word in your PowerPoint presentation.
  21. Don’t expect someone to not talk about the hot new movie a month after its release.  You get one week of consideration, that’s it.
  22. Don’t bring toddlers to movie theaters or loud concerts.
  23. Knock before entering your kid’s bedroom.
  24. Compliments on people’s appearance is fine, just once, though, and don’t overdo it.
  25. The customer is not always right.  It’s ok to tell some people to just get the eff out.  (Remember, the theme of this post is that some people need to be told.  🙂 )

You know there’s going to be a Vol. 2.  😉

Three Superpowers I Need

Life would be enhanced if I could have superpowers.  We all want superpowers, don’t we?  I mean, who wouldn’t?  My life would be greatly enhanced with superpowers.  Now, I could go for things like enact world peace, or cure cancer, or some other selfless act, but where’s the fun in that?  No, I want “revenge superpowers”.

This does preclude something like the ability to see through clothing.  I think Superman had that one, but I forget.  That has a certain… provocative allure to it.  There would be downsides, though.  You’d have to be able to pick and choose whose clothes you were ignoring.  Don’t want to see just anybody.  Plus, looking through clothing you wouldn’t be seeing people in their perfection.  The clothes would still be there, so you’d be seeing their body all stuffed in and wrinkled and unnaturally pushed here and there, not unlike a homemade sausage.  And do you really want to see the entire muffin along with the muffin top?  I’m sorry, but that doesn’t sound as appealing as one might think.

Presuming the genie would give me only three superpowers, here’s what I’d choose…

The ability to have the entire road pull over to the side while I drive where I want to, unhindered.  Readers of The Grump know that other drivers is a pet-peeve of mine.  This is numero uno.  People just need to get out of my way.  This includes police and ambulances and fire trucks.  Now, in my own magnanimous way, my superpower would include the ability to heal whoever is being transported by the ambulance, or reverse the fire the fire truck is going to.  The Grump just wants people out of his way, he doesn’t want to be a jerk about it.

The ability to disable all cell phones within a 150 foot radius of me at concerts.  The Grumpess and I went to see Alice Cooper a couple nights ago.  Truly an awesome show.  We had great seats.  The man may be 70 years old, but he can still bring it!  He even played one of my favorite songs from a semi-obscure album from 1980 that he hadn’t played live since 1982 until this leg of this tour.  It was a perfect night… except for the lady in front of me that kept raising her phone in the air, in my direct line of sight, throughout the show.  And for what, some crappy photos and videos that she will probably forget about after next week.  It was rude!  I was tempted to knock on her head and tell her to stop, but an arrest for starting a riot wasn’t exactly in The Grump’s best interests.  So now, I want the ability to disable ALL cell phones around me so that I can enjoy the show.  I don’t think that’s unreasonable at all.

The ability to remember where I put my keys, and my wallet, and my glasses… all the time.  For anyone who is getting up there in age, this is self-explanatory.  What’s that you say?  I should just designate a place and always put them there?  Bless yer heart.

There ya go.

Tipping: Part 2

It’s been roughly six months since installment number one, but here we go.  As always, since so many people have the impressive ability to take a moderate statement and see only the most extreme (and incorrect) interpretation, let me reiterate that I have no issue with the concept of tipping… in general.  Leaving something extra for people for providing good service is a good thing.  That being said, tipping has gone too far.  It’s no longer viewed as an earned reward, it’s viewed as an entitlement… to the point that many people admit to giving a pre-emptive tip just so they won’t get screwed… even in occupations that aren’t legally paid less than minimum wage.  With that being said, let’s cover a couple more subtopics…

Tip Jars:  😐  Really, who thought this up?  Worse yet, why do so many people fall for it?  I suspect this may be one of those subjects that most people will claim they never do it, like shopping at Walmart or eating at McDonald’s, yet just as those businesses are hugely successful (somebody’s shopping/eating there!), you see tip jars almost always full.  And there’s a social peer pressure in tipping, especially if the tip is somehow going to be known to people around you.  Almost being held hostage for your change, or a public shaming, if you will.

I think the worst example of a tip jar that I have ever seen is one on a shelf outside a fast food drive-thru window.

Nothing is absolute, I get that, and there are a few situations where a tip jar is totally legit.  A piano player in a bar, for example.  That’s a simple matter of practicality, the player’s hands are busy and you don’t want loose bills falling to the floor getting scattered around.  But the idea has grown absurdly since the smoke-filled piano bars of the 1960s.  Now tip jars are ubiquitous.  They’re everywhere.  Go to Dairy Queen for a cone?  There’s a tip jar.  Pick up your dry cleaning?  There’s a tip jar.  Grab a soda… 100% self serve, no less… at the local convenience store?  Damn, you can’t swing a dead cat without hitting another tip jar.

Tip jars are essentially a passive form of begging.  Somebody has to take a stand, and I guess it’s me.

Tip sharing:  Let me be up front, I have never worked as a server.  I have never worked a job that depended on tips.  But, I do have a lot of restaurant experience from my younger days and casually chatted often with servers, and I was married to someone who labeled herself a “professional server”, and *our* income was tip dependent to some degree.

That being said, I am not a fan of tip sharing, where the server “tips out” other employees.  The other employees are certainly important to the success of the operation, but in most states they also get minimum wage where the servers do not.  I’ve seen places where the servers were expected to tip out the bartenders for drinks, as the bartender was crucial to the server’s success was the reasoning, but the bartender was not expected to tip out the server for people who ate at the bar and the server had to deliver the food.  How is that fair?

Plus, it’s really not fair to me as the customer.  The server is the face of the transaction, the person I dealt with and the person who made the impression that influenced how much I tip.  That’s the person I’m tipping.  Furthering this concept, there’s a national steakhouse chain where you get a server who takes your order and gets your initial drinks, then other people actually serve your food (usually having no idea who gets what, I still don’t understand this).  Other people get drink refills here and there.  You never see your server again until it’s time to deliver the check and pitch dessert.  Who am I tipping?

Bottom line:  I want my tip money to go to the person I think it should go to, and I don’t feel unreasonable in expecting it to be for something more than the basic job description.

Eggses…

Restaurants… breakfast food… conditioning.  And that’s what it really is is conditioning.  There’s no other logical reasoning.  Pro-tip for restaurants:  Not everybody likes eggs.

  • Go to McDonald’s (or almost any fast food restaurant) and almost all options include eggs of some sort.  McDonald’s even recently rolled out all-day breakfasts.  Why is it so hard to to have a burger option or two for the rest of us?  Doesn’t have to be the entire menu, but a couple basic options would be appreciated.
  • Go to almost any sit-down restaurant and pretty much every combo option involving pancakes or french toast also includes eggs.  And this is one area where they are loathe to consider substitutions.  Sure, I can order ala carte, but then I’m paying inordinately more for my meal.

Eggses, by themselves, are nasty!  The notion of cutting up a lone fried egg and eating it alone is nauseating to me.  Scrambled eggs, by themselves, need to be covered in ketchup… which says all that needs to be said regarding them.  Now, I’m not wholly anti-egg.  I will eat them in certain scenarios…

  • Omelettes:  Eggs in the form of an omelette are quite tasty.  Being combined with the other ingredients is what makes an omelette tasty.
  • Over-easy eggs mixed in with harsh brown potatoes:  Not “American fries”, but hash browns.  Put the over-easy eggs on top, and cut them up and mix them in.  (Mix in some link sausage, too, and it makes a nice meal.)  This is something my Dad learned in the Air Force in the 1950s, and was something he taught my sister and myself, and is the only way that I actually like over-easy eggs.  The whites must be trimmed away as much as possible, too.  Egg whites are tasteless.
  • Hard-fried egg sandwich:  This is kind of an exception.  A hard fried egg on toast.  With or without meat and cheese, depending on my mood.  Mayo is required.  Usually salt, too.  A scrambled egg makes a mice sandwich, too… no ketchup necessary.
  • Over-easy cut up on toast:  About once a year.
  • Oh, and poached as part of an Eggs Benedict is a nice change of pace, as well.  (A local restaurant here that I like stopped making poached and tries to pass off scrambled for Eggs Benedict.  Blasphemy!)

Those are about the only way I will do eggs.  Hard boiled/Deviled Eggs?  *Gag!!!*  Raw in a ‘healthy’ drink?  Do you really want to clean your shoes?  My list of what is acceptable doesn’t seem so bad, but if you have caught the common theme so far is that they must be “doctored” to some degree, and/or combined with something else, to be palatable.

Bottom line:  People only eat “breakfast foods” at breakfast because they’ve been conditioned to do so.  Someone told them that’s the way it’s supposed to be as a kid, and like a good little soldier fell into line and repeated that mantra for the rest of their life.  A good burger for breakfast is perfectly fine, quite tasty in fact, and restaurants especially need to suck less and do better to accommodate us non-egg people.

Christmas music: Bah! Humbug!

There are twelve days of Christmas… and none of them are in November.  *sigh*  But nevertheless, it’s that time of year, again. It’s… Christmas time!!! <He said in a chirpy and perky tone of voice.> Yes, that’s me, Mr Perky. Cute and cuddly til the end. So let Mr Perky say this about that…

Bah! Humbug! Humbug to all of you!

Today marks the official, and only marginally acceptable, start of the Christmas season, and with that comes the Christmas music. Now, don’t get me wrong, I like watching little kids get excited about it, and I like the photo gear presents I buy for myself, but the music… ugh! I don’t know what is worse, the peppy tunes, the inspirational new-age stuff, or the insipid traditional crap that no emotionally stable person has ever liked.  Just shoot me now.

Who writes this garbage? Better yet, who listens to it? Some people do, obviously, but I seriously wonder about them. Then there’s the people who listen to it all… day… long… for days… weeks… on end. No, just no, Bad little elf! That’s wrong. The Geneva Convention outlawed this decades ago. You can’t subject people around you to this… this  flat, uninteresting, lackluster, dull, drab, boring, dry, humdrum, ho-hum, monochrome, plodding tedious, pedestrian, trite, tired, hackneyed, stale, lame, wishy-washy, colorless, anemic, lifeless music.  Seriously, it’s inhumane. I’d rather take a calculus test than this. At least the calculus test will end soon. It’s so bad, that given the choice, prisoners in Guantanamo chose waterboarding over non-stop Christmas music.

December 26th never looked so good.

But even I have a soft side, so it’s confession time: In every steaming pile of dog dung in December, there’s a little shiny nugget. I do have a Christmas CD. I am the proud owner of Twisted Sister’s A Twisted Christmas. Not bad.  In fact, so good, they never felt the need to record and release another studio album.  Quit while you’re ahead, baby!