Please Wait To Be Seated…

You and your sweetie are out for an evening of fine dining.  The work day is over and you want to relax and take it easy and let someone wait on you.  Kick off your shoes without actually kicking off your shoes.  As the Host/Hostess leads you to the table they have selected for you, and it is not to your liking, what do you do?  Do you take whatever is offered and say nothing, or do you speak up and ask for an alternate table?  Is it okay to tell a restaurant hostess you would rather sit somewhere else other than where they want to place you?

This is a semi-important subject to me, and I actually have my own set of “rules”…

  1. The behind-the-scenes “rotation” is none of my concern. As the customer I’m there to enjoy my experience. That’s why I’m paying extra money to eat out rather than stay home. Work it out behind the scenes. That being said…
  2. I will always be polite in my request.
  3. I will always try to state my preference up front right when we walk in, whenever possible.  The exception being as stated in the beginning, when I’m being led to a dissatisfactory table.
  4. I will never… ever… request a room or separate section that is obviously closed.
  5. If the place is super busy I might say something like, “I’d like a booth, if possible.” Emphasis on the “…if possible”. I have preferences but I try to be reasonable, too.
  6. Once I have accepted the seat, it would take a huge extraordinary circumstances for me to request to move. It’s been done, but very rare.
  7. If just the two of us, or with another couple I generally prefer booths. But if I’m in a larger party I hate when they try to stuff us all into a “long booth”. Eff that, that’s extremely uncomfortable, then I want a table.
  8. The only reason I need is I have preferences. I don’t have to justify it beyond that.

So, yes, it is perfectly acceptable to override their seating chart and request something different.

Why The Grump Does Not Do Third-Party Delivery

It’s been over a year now since I stopped using third-party delivery, but from what I’m hearing things haven’t changed much. I bet you’re wondering why, aren’t you? Well, I’m here to tell ya… 😉

It’s expensive. Not only am I tipping, which is fine in and of itself, but the delivery fees are outrageous, and I have seen times when there are two fees. It can approach doubling the cost of the meal. Granted, the fee by itself is justified as they have a business, too, but there is a limit and they pass it.

Inserting a “middle-man” confuses everything if there are issues that need to be resolved. I once had an order double-billed to my credit card. It took over four months to get someone to give me a refund for one of them. The delivery service wanted to push it off on to the restaurant, the restaurant wanted to push it off on to the delivery service. Basically, both of them just wanted me to go away. Only after writing a snail mail letter to the restaurant telling them they now had all the money from both charges and explaining what happened in detail, did they send me an apology and a refund.

Some services impose themselves on restaurants without permission. Some of these also use outdated menus, deceiving the customer.

Delivery drivers can be unprofessional. I was pre-tipping because it was during the pandemic and I wanted contactless delivery, but I would read delivery drivers online say they wouldn’t even accept an order unless there was a huge pre-tip involved. Ya know what, buddy, screw you, you don’t deserve my business at all. Yes, I tipped and I tipped well, but my order shouldn’t have to depend on the whims of some self-entitled punk-ass kid.

Quality of service itself is spotty, 50/50, at best. I have indeed had some great experiences, but I have had some absolutely horrible experiences, too. One driver let my food sit at the restaurant for 25 minutes before she left the restaurant, then delivered two other orders across town before dropping mine off (I was watching her tracker and the clock the whole time, and I bet she accepted three orders and waited for them all), 55 minutes after the restaurant signaled it was ready, which by then was ice cold. This was the end for me, it was after this experience I swore off third-party delivery. So instead I pick it up myself or I stick to places that do their own delivery. The no middle-man aspect, especially, is huge. To the point above regarding the double-charge, with no middle-man they have to deal with me.

Having said all that, I do believe third-party delivery has a legitimate future, but that day is not today. The industry needs to mature and work out the kinks. When it does, I’ll probably come back.

What is a Patty Melt?

Well, how would YOU define what constitutes a patty melt?  A PROPER patty melt?

Based on several factors… my lengthy experience as a restaurant cook in several different locations, discussion I’ve had with others, items I’ve read, etc… the proper definition of a patty melt comes down to this…

  • Hamburger patty
  • Swiss cheese
  • Grilled onions
  • Grilled rye bread

That’s it.  Some people like to add 1000 Island Dressing, but that’s an addition.  Same with bacon.  Now, I prefer to have it on toasted sourdough bread (or whole wheat, not a big fan of rye), but I openly acknowledge that’s a deviation from a proper patty melt.  I will also add bacon on occasion.  If they add 1000 that’s ok, but I prefer to dip it in ketchup.  Some also like to substitute cheddar or American cheese, both of which are fine, but I prefer Swiss.

Now, as you can see from my dislikes and dislikes, you can certainly deviate according to your personal preferences, but what is outlined above is the starting point of a proper patty melt.

What brings this up is there is a local restaurant… which shall remain nameless… with a patty melt on the menu.  Problem is, both grilled onion AND grilled rye bread are an upcharge, each individually.  What the deuce kind of cheapness is that?  That’s not a patty melt, that’s no more than a hamburger on bread, and if you want a patty melt you have to build one.  (Fries/sides are also extra, basically everything ala carte.*)

As a second source you could check out this Definition of a Patty Melt.

*- To be fair, some places cater to an older clientele, and many older people like the option of ordering smaller, only what they want.  But one place, another local place (now closed permanently) would charge $9 for am omelette & toast only, same as what other places would charge for an omelette, toast, and hash browns, then make you still pay extra for hash browns.

Servers: Respect is a two-way street

We’ve all been there.  Sit down for a meal at a restaurant, giving our order to the server, and the server asks, “Would you like to add <insert special feature here>?”

You think that sounds good, so you say, “Yes, please.”

Fast forward about half an hour and you’re presented with the bill and there’s an unexpected charge included.  😐  What the deuce?

Now, to be clear, we’re not talking about adding a skewer of shrimp.  Of course that’s going to cost more and is usually listed on the menu.  We’re talking about adding a side of BBQ sauce, or some onions, things that are small and insignificant and not listed on the menu.  (Steak houses are really bad about charging $2 for 2c worth of onion.)

There’s a place we frequent that has everything ala carte.  In other words, if you want fries with your burger you have to order fries separate.  At this place I ask if I could substitute a croissant for the bun on a chicken sandwich.  The server said, “Sure.”  The whole way it went down told me it would be an even exchange.  Nope, it was an extra $2.  (This place also does not list prices for it’s specials.)

Bottom line, it’s dishonest in a lying-by-omission way, not to mention rude, to take an order that includes a charge and not warn the customer they will be upcharged.  Stop it.  Just stop it.

One more thing…

Servers… know your job.  And I mean prices.  For example, almost no menu anyplace includes prices for soft drinks… so I ask.  (I have an arbitrary limit I’m willing to pay.)  The most common answers I get are, “I think it’s <whatever>.”, or simply, “I don’t know.”, followed by them just standing there like a statue.  Ummm, could you go check?

I will say yesterday we had a wonderful server who knew the price and quoted it confidently.  Unfortunately, sodas were $3, which is way too much, so we had ice water… which is better for us anyway.  That being said…

I make them go check because I’ve been burned several times when I accepted the, “I think…”, answer and it turned out to be more.  Servers, know your job, that includes prices.

Soap Box: The Opposite of Bad Tipping – the Entitlement Mentality

Wow.  Just… wow!  No tongue-in-cheek tonight.  I’m serious.  A ‘Soap Box’ post.  This is the second post in a row where we talk about tipping, and this one wasn’t planned, but I read something tonight that annoyed me so much I felt the need to comment on it immediately.  Before we start I want to make sure a couple things are clear regarding my attitude about tipping.  The Disclaimer, if you will…

  • I tip.  I tip well.  Most often 20%+.
  • I don’t begrudge paying a tip, per se, but I do get annoyed by the constantly moving target aspect.
  • All but five states (I think) allow tipped employees to be paid less than minimum wage.  I think that’s wrong.  Minimum wage should be minimum wage.  (I don’t think tips should be taxed as income, either.)
  • The biggest annoyance regarding tipping in general is how it’s turned into an entitlement mentality.  That’s what this post is about.  I recently read on a forum where a server talked about how the tip was her money before the customer even gave it to her… but this is even worse than that.

I am going to do something that may or may not be kosher.  I am going to post this person’s post from another forum in it’s entirety, as posted and unedited.  I feel that to properly understand the depth of unethical behavior here it all needs to be said.  (I’ll elaborate further down.)  I am not including the name, though I suppose if you’re internet savvy enough you could probably find it on your own.  So, without further ado, here we go…

The question was:  How do waiters and waitresses handle “regulars” at restaurants who are terrible tippers?

The server’s answer was:

I handle them in a very simple way. I slip a service charge on their receipt. I always go under the “usual” good tip, I put 15% on. I get paid solely in tips. I don’t get tips, I basically don’t get paid. One bad tip isn’t going to ruin my day. But if I wait on you hand and foot to get $2 on an $85 bill and you do it every week, you bet I’m going to put a service charge on.

I had this couple that always came in. I was actually cashiering this night, another server got their table. We all know how horribly they tip, and dread getting them. They take up all of our time, asking for suggestions, pretending we forgot something when they never asked for it in the first place, multiple refills, etc. They tip $3 no matter what the bill is. I’ve seen their bill go up to $78, still a $3 tip. She put a service charge on them. Oooooh boy. They came up me at the front and demanded to know what this charge was. I told them “it’s an automatic service charge, it’s an automatically calculated tip to your server.” She was livid, “this is WAY higher than I would normally pay! Why is this on here?!” Uhhh m’am it’s because your bill was $45 and you still would have tipped her $3. I notice she went back and forth from the kitchen to your table at least 7 times with a smile. I think she deserves at least a 15% tip.

I don’t feel bad. We make $2 an hour. Until that changes and we get paid fairly, you can afford to leave a decent tip. If you can’t, don’t go out to eat. If your server sucks, by all means leave a small tip. If you leave $3 every time, I’m going to put a service charge on. And no, I won’t take it off and neither will my manager.

EDIT: I turned off comments because I’m not looking to argue. I wrote my answer, if you have a different opinion then write your own answer. No, automatic gratuity is not illegal. There is no legislation against using service charges. Usually they are only added to large tables, 6+ people at 18%. (hence, my adding 15% is a low amount) The IRS made a decision that starting in 2014 automatic gratuity would be a service charge, meaning it does not count as a separate income as a tip to the server, it goes to the restaurant and they have a choice in giving the money to the server as a tip or keeping it for themselves. This means the customer does not have a choice in paying this amount. Since posting this I’ve gotten multiple comments saying this must be illegal, I felt a need to clarify.

Again, just… wow!

I get there are bad tippers.  There are also wonderful tippers.  I’m not defending bad tippers, especially chronic bad tippers. If you’re a chronic bad tipper, screw you, you’re a cheapskate, but it’s still your money until you decide if/when you tip.

Think about the hypocrisy.  If someone tips  35% does she chase them down and give back the excess?  Ha!  I bet not.

She talks about her actions being legal.  I question that.  Maybe.  I know service charges are legal when stated up front, but afterward as a surprise, and at random based on her whims?  (I would have spoken to her manager at another time, and if that didn’t get satisfaction I just might file a small claims suit against the restaurant solely to make my point.  She’s an agent of her employer and it would get her employer’s attention, more so than if I sued her.)

Notice at one point she says, ” I notice she went back and forth from the kitchen to your table at least 7 times with a smile. I think she deserves at least a 15% tip.”  You think?  YOU think?!?  Not only are you deciding if they tip, but you get to decide how much?  Entitlement much?

She turned off comments to her post.  Basically she knows her attitude is sketchy and she doesn’t want to have to defend it.

This, THIS, is exactly the type of entitlement mentality that our tipping culture has degenerated to, ‘If you don’t give it to me I’m going to take it.’

Tipping: Why a percentage?

Today we are revisiting the art of tipping… sure as hell isn’t a science… and we are asking the question of why do we tip a percentage instead of a flat amount?

Let’s consider the following scenario:  Let’s say you go to John’s Steakhouse twice in one week, and the scenario breaks down like this…

  • On Monday you have a ribeye meal with a baked potato, broccoli, roll, butter, and two beers. Price: $50.
  • On Thursday you go and have a grilled chicken dinner with a baked potato, broccoli, roll, butter, and two beers. Price: $30.

If the tip were 20% (easy math) the steak dinner tip would be $10. The chicken dinner tip would be $6.

Why? Why the difference when the amount of work and effort by the server was exactly the same for both meals?  Don’t whip out the emotional guilt trip of not eating out if you can’t afford to tip, that doesn’t even address the question.  Don’t sidetrack to the fact that in most states (not all) tipped employees get paid less than minimum wage, that’s an entirely different subject about why we tip at all.  This question acknowledges we tip, just questions why a moving target of meal value is used rather than effort, work and/or service performed. Restaurant owners don’t pay servers based on sales values, why should we the customers be expected to?  Be articulate and come up with something reasonably rational.

Standard disclaimer:  I tip and I tip pretty well.  Usually over 20%.  Be that as it may, I am still put off by how tipping has become an entitlement mentality, and how it seems to continually creep up.  Was 10%, then 15%, then 18%, now people are preaching 20%+.  If sales tax were 20% you’d scream bloody murder, and tipping is really nothing more than a private tax because most states (not all) allow tipped employees to be paid less-to-nothing.  Hmmm… I smell another post.

Needed Drive-thru Etiquette

Rules.  The world needs damn rules, and the sooner the better.  You know, when the world is too lax and needs to be tightened up a bit.  Except, of course, when the world needs to lighten up and not be so anal about everything.  How do you know the difference?  It can be tricky, I’ll admit, but The Grump is here to guide you, never fear.

There are three rules that need to be enacted for proper drive-thru etiquette and an efficient drive-thru experience.  Those rules are…

  1. No more than two meals per vehicle.  That’s right, don’t think you can carry the little league team in your SUV-cum-station wagon behemoth vehicle and order custom meals for ten kids.  Two meals, that’s it.  If you want more, park and go in.
  2. No substitutions.  No customization, either.  You get it pre-assembled.  As is.  You don’t want lettuce?  Tough, you’re getting lettuce.  Does it come with bacon as a standard item?  No?  Tough, no bacon for you.
  3. Credit cards only.  No fumbling with cash, and certainly no digging for change.  Not necessary when using plastic only.

Your experience… especially if you’re the vehicle(s) in front of me, should be pull-up -> bark your order number -> pull-up to the window… no need for two windows now… pay your money, grab your bags, and go!  Easy peasy.

I guess there’s a #4, also:  Know what you want before you pull up to the menu board and speaker.  Don’t sit there looking at the menu of items you’ve seen for the past 20 years trying to decide.  If you don’t know what you want, a large arm comes out and pushes your car aside and allows the next car to order.  Back to the line for you!

With these simple rules your drive-thru experience will be much more pleasurable and stress-free.  🙂

Tipping: Part 2

It’s been roughly six months since installment number one, but here we go.  As always, since so many people have the impressive ability to take a moderate statement and see only the most extreme (and incorrect) interpretation, let me reiterate that I have no issue with the concept of tipping… in general.  Leaving something extra for people for providing good service is a good thing.  That being said, tipping has gone too far.  It’s no longer viewed as an earned reward, it’s viewed as an entitlement… to the point that many people admit to giving a pre-emptive tip just so they won’t get screwed… even in occupations that aren’t legally paid less than minimum wage.  With that being said, let’s cover a couple more subtopics…

Tip Jars:  😐  Really, who thought this up?  Worse yet, why do so many people fall for it?  I suspect this may be one of those subjects that most people will claim they never do it, like shopping at Walmart or eating at McDonald’s, yet just as those businesses are hugely successful (somebody’s shopping/eating there!), you see tip jars almost always full.  And there’s a social peer pressure in tipping, especially if the tip is somehow going to be known to people around you.  Almost being held hostage for your change, or a public shaming, if you will.

I think the worst example of a tip jar that I have ever seen is one on a shelf outside a fast food drive-thru window.

Nothing is absolute, I get that, and there are a few situations where a tip jar is totally legit.  A piano player in a bar, for example.  That’s a simple matter of practicality, the player’s hands are busy and you don’t want loose bills falling to the floor getting scattered around.  But the idea has grown absurdly since the smoke-filled piano bars of the 1960s.  Now tip jars are ubiquitous.  They’re everywhere.  Go to Dairy Queen for a cone?  There’s a tip jar.  Pick up your dry cleaning?  There’s a tip jar.  Grab a soda… 100% self serve, no less… at the local convenience store?  Damn, you can’t swing a dead cat without hitting another tip jar.

Tip jars are essentially a passive form of begging.  Somebody has to take a stand, and I guess it’s me.

Tip sharing:  Let me be up front, I have never worked as a server.  I have never worked a job that depended on tips.  But, I do have a lot of restaurant experience from my younger days and casually chatted often with servers, and I was married to someone who labeled herself a “professional server”, and *our* income was tip dependent to some degree.

That being said, I am not a fan of tip sharing, where the server “tips out” other employees.  The other employees are certainly important to the success of the operation, but in most states they also get minimum wage where the servers do not.  I’ve seen places where the servers were expected to tip out the bartenders for drinks, as the bartender was crucial to the server’s success was the reasoning, but the bartender was not expected to tip out the server for people who ate at the bar and the server had to deliver the food.  How is that fair?

Plus, it’s really not fair to me as the customer.  The server is the face of the transaction, the person I dealt with and the person who made the impression that influenced how much I tip.  That’s the person I’m tipping.  Furthering this concept, there’s a national steakhouse chain where you get a server who takes your order and gets your initial drinks, then other people actually serve your food (usually having no idea who gets what, I still don’t understand this).  Other people get drink refills here and there.  You never see your server again until it’s time to deliver the check and pitch dessert.  Who am I tipping?

Bottom line:  I want my tip money to go to the person I think it should go to, and I don’t feel unreasonable in expecting it to be for something more than the basic job description.

Hey!!! I was reading that!

There you are, in your local grocery store, wanting to get some Chinese take-out for dinner at home. You’re standing there perusing the menu board when… it changes! What the deuce, people?!? I was reading that! And it doesn’t even switch to more menu items, it switches to some mindless video of egg rolls and wontons being thrown in the air at each other like it’s a freakin’ combat badminton game.

*sigh* I now understand why old people act the way they do. All that kvetching is starting to make sense.

But I digress. Anyway, they’re called ‘digital menu boards’, and they’re flashy, and they’re trendy, and they make the restaurant look oh so cool and hip… and they’re completely infuriating and annoying. I, for one, am not impressed. I already know what an egg roll looks like, that’s why I’m there. I just want a list of options (with prices) so I can make my choice accordingly. It’s even worse when I’m asking a question about a certain menu item and… *facepalm*… it’s not there anymore. Never mind, now we both get to wait for the recycle. Don’t make me stand there waiting for the recycle. Maybe it’s me and my curmudgeoness, but I honestly don’t think that’s too much to ask.

I wrote recently about not being a Luddite. I welcome new ideas and chances and improvement and advancement. That’s fine. Just be honest and know that not all change is for the good.  Sometimes we overthink things.

Eggses…

Restaurants… breakfast food… conditioning.  And that’s what it really is is conditioning.  There’s no other logical reasoning.  Pro-tip for restaurants:  Not everybody likes eggs.

  • Go to McDonald’s (or almost any fast food restaurant) and almost all options include eggs of some sort.  McDonald’s even recently rolled out all-day breakfasts.  Why is it so hard to to have a burger option or two for the rest of us?  Doesn’t have to be the entire menu, but a couple basic options would be appreciated.
  • Go to almost any sit-down restaurant and pretty much every combo option involving pancakes or french toast also includes eggs.  And this is one area where they are loathe to consider substitutions.  Sure, I can order ala carte, but then I’m paying inordinately more for my meal.

Eggses, by themselves, are nasty!  The notion of cutting up a lone fried egg and eating it alone is nauseating to me.  Scrambled eggs, by themselves, need to be covered in ketchup… which says all that needs to be said regarding them.  Now, I’m not wholly anti-egg.  I will eat them in certain scenarios…

  • Omelettes:  Eggs in the form of an omelette are quite tasty.  Being combined with the other ingredients is what makes an omelette tasty.
  • Over-easy eggs mixed in with harsh brown potatoes:  Not “American fries”, but hash browns.  Put the over-easy eggs on top, and cut them up and mix them in.  (Mix in some link sausage, too, and it makes a nice meal.)  This is something my Dad learned in the Air Force in the 1950s, and was something he taught my sister and myself, and is the only way that I actually like over-easy eggs.  The whites must be trimmed away as much as possible, too.  Egg whites are tasteless.
  • Hard-fried egg sandwich:  This is kind of an exception.  A hard fried egg on toast.  With or without meat and cheese, depending on my mood.  Mayo is required.  Usually salt, too.  A scrambled egg makes a mice sandwich, too… no ketchup necessary.
  • Over-easy cut up on toast:  About once a year.
  • Oh, and poached as part of an Eggs Benedict is a nice change of pace, as well.  (A local restaurant here that I like stopped making poached and tries to pass off scrambled for Eggs Benedict.  Blasphemy!)

Those are about the only way I will do eggs.  Hard boiled/Deviled Eggs?  *Gag!!!*  Raw in a ‘healthy’ drink?  Do you really want to clean your shoes?  My list of what is acceptable doesn’t seem so bad, but if you have caught the common theme so far is that they must be “doctored” to some degree, and/or combined with something else, to be palatable.

Bottom line:  People only eat “breakfast foods” at breakfast because they’ve been conditioned to do so.  Someone told them that’s the way it’s supposed to be as a kid, and like a good little soldier fell into line and repeated that mantra for the rest of their life.  A good burger for breakfast is perfectly fine, quite tasty in fact, and restaurants especially need to suck less and do better to accommodate us non-egg people.