This Is Me!

“Personified.”  In puppet form.  I am both of them, all rolled up into one ultra-sweetie guy.

These two are great examples of how I view and react to life.  You want sarcasm?  I’m you guy.  You want inappropriate reactions to awkward situations?  I’m there to spout an off-color comment.  And of course with a true charming wit.

Here’s some examples of how I might react to a random situation…

Fozzie: Now, tonight, I’m gonna try and put something new in my act.

Statler: Yeah, like comedy, maybe.

…or…

Statler: I like that last number.

Waldorf: What did you like about it?

Statler: It was the *last* number!

…or…

Statler: Well, how do you like the film?

Waldorf: I’ve seen detergents leave a better film than this.

Then there’s this…

Or, maybe I was talking about this post.  😉

Why Are You Here?, Part Uno

The Grump is a participant of social media groups for social interaction and entertainment.  They can range from serious and political to irreverently humorous to specific topics such as tv shows, etc., and there’s always some schmuck wanting to ruin everyone else’s fun.  You have to ask, “Why are you here?”

For example:  The Grump belongs to a Andy Griffith Show Facebook fan page.  People discuss the show, ask questions, and generally interact, all light-hearted and fun… well, mostly.  Some of the questions are simply “what if” type scenarios.  One “what if” scenario might go like this…

George will ask: “Why didn’t Andy fire Barney for always being incompetent?”

Time-out:  Ok, we all know it wouldn’t have been funny if Andy had fired Barney and everything were totally serious.  We all know it is a farcical situation comedy that relies on the absurd to succeed and entertain viewers.  To continue, time-in…

In pops John:  “Because that’s not the way the show was written.”

😐

Really, John?  That’s your contribution, Caption Obvious?  Pretty sure everyone knows this.  You are not helping or even lebitimately contributing to the spirit of the conversation in any meaningful way.

John, dude, why are you even here?  Why did you join a discussion group if you want to discourage discussion?

5 Things I Will Never Understand

We don’t need no pre-amble, let’s just get to it.  The title is self-explanatory.

1. Why my printer cannot scan when it is out of ink/toner. I totally get why it cannot print or make copies, but why can’t it scan?  Why can’t fax?  The conspiracy theorist in me says it’s for no other reason than to force you to get out and buy more ink/toner.  That’s the big money-maker for them, anyway.

2. Typing states in forms.  When filling out a form you literally fill out every line… except the state.  You get a pull-down, instead.  You’re on a roll typing then have to come to a screeching stop and pick an option.  Eh, I guess they figure most people don’t know their state’s two-letter abbreviation.

3. Why there needs to be a “cancel” button on a toaster.  What the deuce?  Back in the day… when I walked to school in the snow uphill both ways… you simply pushed the lever up.  And it worked just fine.  Why wouldn’t that still work?

4. Why “the little people” donate to political campaigns.  After the election you are no longer important to them.  Plus, “neck-and-neck” races end up being 10 point blow-outs, anyway.

5. Why people thank Facebook group administrators for approving their membership in the group.  Is there a skeleton in your closet as to why they might not?

So there ya go.  A handful of life’s mysteries.

Be More Like Dogs

We’re flawed.

Have you ever been walking along and stumble over nothing but your own big feet?  We all have.  There’s nothing strange about that.  But what do you do when that happens?  Ok, you get up, of course, but what else?

You feel embarrassed, and… you look around to see if anybody saw you.  Don’t lie.  Don’t kid yourself.  You do and you know it.  Don’t pretend your above it.  You don’t want to feel like your dignity is lessened.  It’s part of the human experience, and it’s flawed.  I do not know if it’s natural or learned, but it’s there.

You stumble and fall.  You get up and brush yourself off, and you look around, already thinking how you will give a fake laugh and try to “blow it off” to others just in case they saw it.  You have to save face, you know.  And God forbid someone recorded it and you end up on a funny video show.

But what would a dog do?

When a dog stumbles over nothing but their own paws and falls, they get up, and… resume walking as if nothing happened.  That’s it.  Nothing else.  There is no internal feeling of shame or embarrassment.  They literally could not care less if a person or another dog saw them do it.

Think about this.  Maybe this is one reason why dogs seem to be happier and less troubled than humans.  They don’t sweat the small stuff.  And a minor stumble is the small stuff.  It doesn’t hurt anything, it doesn’t affect anything, we should get right up and continue on just like dogs do… but we allow emotional baggage to creep in.

Be more like a dog.

 

Five Rule Changes “Wheel of Fortune” Needs to Be Better

Everything needs improvement, even the game show Wheel of Fortune, so here’s some rule changes The Grump would like to see…

  1. Cannot guess vowels 2 times in a row. Guess a vowel, then you have to guess a consonant before you are allowed to guess another vowel.
  2. Vacation prizes should not count toward the person’s winnings for getting to the final round.  It’s not fair to the other contestants as the vacation almost always seals the deal and shuts everybody else out.
  3. With the exception of the million dollar prize panel, Bankrupt should count for that puzzle round only.  In other words, if you win a “Wild Card” in puzzle one, landing on Bankrupt in puzzle 3 would have no effect, you get to keep the Wild Card.
  4. Any ‘free ride’ (guessing without contestants spinning the wheel), i.e. Express, Toss-ups, etc., should be consonants only.
  5. The letters K, Q, X, and Z, should be double value… including in the final round for the entire prize money, but only if you called it in your added letters.

Some added suggestions, but not totally necessary.

  • Game shows should be legally required to pay taxes on all winnings.
  • Require contestants to “bet the house”, put something up of value like in gambling.  That’d make it interesting.  I could hear it now… contestant loses, Pat says, “Ok, guys, take away the furniture!”

Thoughts?

25 People I Hate

“Hate” is such a strong word.  It is often hyperbole, and in the interest of honesty and fairness, I don’t actually hate these people… well, mostly… but they are damned annoying and need to be told so.  So, without further ado, I hate…

  1. People who hate lists like this.  You go do your happy-happy-joy-joy fantasy world elsewhere and leave me to my grumpiness.
  2. Iowa drivers (a common theme here), whether they’re driving a car on the road or a cart in the grocery store.  They’ll hog the left lane under the speed limit, or they’ll leave their cart in the middle of the aisle and wander off.  They have no clue there is someone behind them who wants to get somewhere.
  3. People who see a question on Facebook or in Amazon and respond with, “I don’t know.”  😐  Then the question wasn’t for you, was it, Slick?
  4. People who say “perfect” to every response.  I once had a receptionist in the doctors office ask me my phone number.  After I told her she said, “Perfect.”  😐  Of course it’s ‘perfect’, it’s my phone number and I know it.
  5. People who complain about ‘reply all’.  I’m sorry, but ‘reply all’ is a ‘cover my ass’ feature and has it’s place.  (Just don’t use it willy nilly.)
  6. People who say, “I hate Mondays.”, and, “Thank God it’s Friday.”
  7. Servers who abandon me and don’t check to see if I want a drink refill.
  8. Anything labeled “for your protection”.  It’s almost always for their protection, not mine.
  9. Non-fans at baseball games.  Baseball was so much better when only baseball fans went to games.  Now it’s all about entertainment and dot racing.
  10. People who don’t understand sarcasm.
  11. People who feel the need to “one up” everything someone else does.  (On a serious note, I think it’s a sign of insecurity.)
  12. 60 year old people still trying to look 20 yrs old.
  13. People afraid of the number 13.
  14. People who say, “Thanks for the add.” when approved to join Facebook groups.  Did you really think you’d be declined?
  15. People who won’t commit to something when invited.  You know the person, the one who says, “Sure, unless something better comes up.”
  16. Men who have “Man Caves”.
  17. Women who like Hello Kitty.
  18. People who show up to buy an item you’re selling for $50 then say, “I only have $40 on me.”  Sorry, Skippy, I can direct you to an ATM.  You knew damn well what the asking price is, and we didn’t make a prior agreement, so this is simply you being dishonest.
  19. People who look for a reason to be offended.
  20. People who, in social conversation, always swing the conversation back to themself.
  21. People who forget the “good old days” had their sucky parts, too.
  22. People driving huge vehicles and you watch them and it’s clear they really don’t know how to drive it.
  23. Men who walk in public around shirtless.  I’m sorry, that’s tacky.  Just because you can doesn’t mean you should.
  24. People who don’t know how to park.
  25. People like me.  Seriously.  I get along better with people who are not like me.  People like me annoy the hell out of me.

So there ya go.  Maybe there will be a part two, I don’t know yet.

What is a Patty Melt?

Well, how would YOU define what constitutes a patty melt?  A PROPER patty melt?

Based on several factors… my lengthy experience as a restaurant cook in several different locations, discussion I’ve had with others, items I’ve read, etc… the proper definition of a patty melt comes down to this…

  • Hamburger patty
  • Swiss cheese
  • Grilled onions
  • Grilled rye bread

That’s it.  Some people like to add 1000 Island Dressing, but that’s an addition.  Same with bacon.  Now, I prefer to have it on toasted sourdough bread (or whole wheat, not a big fan of rye), but I openly acknowledge that’s a deviation from a proper patty melt.  I will also add bacon on occasion.  If they add 1000 that’s ok, but I prefer to dip it in ketchup.  Some also like to substitute cheddar or American cheese, both of which are fine, but I prefer Swiss.

Now, as you can see from my dislikes and dislikes, you can certainly deviate according to your personal preferences, but what is outlined above is the starting point of a proper patty melt.

What brings this up is there is a local restaurant… which shall remain nameless… with a patty melt on the menu.  Problem is, both grilled onion AND grilled rye bread are an upcharge, each individually.  What the deuce kind of cheapness is that?  That’s not a patty melt, that’s no more than a hamburger on bread, and if you want a patty melt you have to build one.  (Fries/sides are also extra, basically everything ala carte.*)

As a second source you could check out this Definition of a Patty Melt.

*- To be fair, some places cater to an older clientele, and many older people like the option of ordering smaller, only what they want.  But one place, another local place (now closed permanently) would charge $9 for am omelette & toast only, same as what other places would charge for an omelette, toast, and hash browns, then make you still pay extra for hash browns.

The Case Against Hamilton Burger

Upfront Disclaimer:  This blog post pertains to the television program from the 1950s & 1960s starring Raymond Burr and others.  Not the books or any other television programs or movies.

Ok, for those of you unfamiliar with the Perry Mason television program none of this will mean anything to you, so I feel no obligation to explain it all and provide loads of background.  Cut your loses now and click on to the next post.  For those of you who are familiar with the program this will make sense, though you may strongly disagree with my premise here.  Hamilton is very popular among Perry Mason fans, and for good reason, he does indeed have some endearing qualities, but that’s not what I’m kvetching about.

Hamilton Burger is incompetent.  There, I said it.  In the series Hamilton Burger (played by William Talman shown in the photo at right) is the Los Angeles District Attorney (DA) who almost always goes up against Perry Mason (defense attorney), and I claim is a very bad, a very poor, attorney.  And that’s what fans will disagree with me about.  But here’s my evidence, circumstantial as it may be…

  1. The premise goes that only a competent attorney could ever be a DA, hence Hamilton must be a competent attorney.  But… he loses pretty much every case.  Against Perry, at least, but isn’t that enough?  No competent attorney would have that bad a record against a single adversary.
  2. Maybe he wins against all the other attorneys, people say.  Ok, then if his record is consistent, and he continually prosecutes innocent people against Perry, then he sends a lot of innocent people to prison when he faces others, and he would send a lot more if Perry weren’t so good.  Hardly inspiring.
  3. Even in the five or six episodes with a “guest defense attorney”, when Raymond Burr was out with a real-life injury, Hamilton still loses to every single one of them.  Yes, it’s just a tv show, but c’mon…

Some like to point out Hamilton is interested in truth and justice and not winning… which highlights the “it’s only a tv show” aspect because real life certainly wouldn’t be that way, and it still doesn’t excuse his overall inadequacy as a prosecutor.

Some also like to speculate he wins most other cases, but we have no evidence for that.  All we have to go by is what we see in the show, and it shows constant ineptitude.  Sorry, I calls ’em as I see’s ’em.  In other words, Hamilton Burger is… wait for it… irrelevant, incompetent, and immaterial.

Rant: Stadium Naming

How much importance do you place in stadium names? How much effort do you put into keeping up?

For example, Yankee Stadium is Yankee Stadium. Say “Yankee Stadium” and everyone knows what you’re talking about. Same with Dodger Stadium. Even Wrigley Field is named after people and/or corporation, and Fenway Park is named after the neighborhood it is in, but they still have long-standing history and and tradition and are immediately recognizable.

But what about the more recent trend of stadium names changing every few years based on nothing more than who is willing to pay the most money? Guaranteed Rate Field, anyone? Third name for the same place, btw. I still call it Comiskey Park. If you were to walk up to me and mention a game in Truist Park I’d have to ask you which team or city. No lie. “Truist Park” means nothing to me.

I still call Oracle Park “Pac Bell Park”… it never had a legit name so I go with the first brain dead iteration. Oracle is what, the 4th or 5th iteration? I am a long-time Oakland A’s fan, yet as far as I am concerned they still play in the Oakland Coliseum (I know, originally Oakland-Alameda County Coliseum, I’m not doing tongue-twisters, either), and always will. O.co, my ass.

Basically, stadiums names have become absurd and for the most part meaningless. When the name right’s holder sends me a check I will comply. Until then I feel zero obligation… Braves Field it is.

Thanks for… nothing, really

Anyone on Facebook for more than a day has noticed this trend:  People apply to join a closed group, and once they’re approved will create an initial post that says something like…

Thanks for the add

😐

In true Grump fashion I have to ask:  Why is this necessary?  Ok, it’s… nice.  It’s polite.  It doesn’t hurt anything… except forcing everyone to spend time and knuckle muscles to scroll by that tripe.  But is it necessary?  Does it help anything?

One has to wonder… what are they really trying to say?  They’re such a renown a-hole known the world over they’re literally surprised any group would actually accept them?  Shocking even to them.

My grandpa used to say if someone goes out of their way to tell you what a horrible person they are… believe them.  Hmmm… maybe they should be denied.