This Is Me!

“Personified.”  In puppet form.  I am both of them, all rolled up into one ultra-sweetie guy.

These two are great examples of how I view and react to life.  You want sarcasm?  I’m you guy.  You want inappropriate reactions to awkward situations?  I’m there to spout an off-color comment.  And of course with a true charming wit.

Here’s some examples of how I might react to a random situation…

Fozzie: Now, tonight, I’m gonna try and put something new in my act.

Statler: Yeah, like comedy, maybe.

…or…

Statler: I like that last number.

Waldorf: What did you like about it?

Statler: It was the *last* number!

…or…

Statler: Well, how do you like the film?

Waldorf: I’ve seen detergents leave a better film than this.

Then there’s this…

Or, maybe I was talking about this post.  😉

Why Are You Here?, Part Uno

The Grump is a participant of social media groups for social interaction and entertainment.  They can range from serious and political to irreverently humorous to specific topics such as tv shows, etc., and there’s always some schmuck wanting to ruin everyone else’s fun.  You have to ask, “Why are you here?”

For example:  The Grump belongs to a Andy Griffith Show Facebook fan page.  People discuss the show, ask questions, and generally interact, all light-hearted and fun… well, mostly.  Some of the questions are simply “what if” type scenarios.  One “what if” scenario might go like this…

George will ask: “Why didn’t Andy fire Barney for always being incompetent?”

Time-out:  Ok, we all know it wouldn’t have been funny if Andy had fired Barney and everything were totally serious.  We all know it is a farcical situation comedy that relies on the absurd to succeed and entertain viewers.  To continue, time-in…

In pops John:  “Because that’s not the way the show was written.”

😐

Really, John?  That’s your contribution, Caption Obvious?  Pretty sure everyone knows this.  You are not helping or even lebitimately contributing to the spirit of the conversation in any meaningful way.

John, dude, why are you even here?  Why did you join a discussion group if you want to discourage discussion?

5 Things I Will Never Understand

We don’t need no pre-amble, let’s just get to it.  The title is self-explanatory.

1. Why my printer cannot scan when it is out of ink/toner. I totally get why it cannot print or make copies, but why can’t it scan?  Why can’t fax?  The conspiracy theorist in me says it’s for no other reason than to force you to get out and buy more ink/toner.  That’s the big money-maker for them, anyway.

2. Typing states in forms.  When filling out a form you literally fill out every line… except the state.  You get a pull-down, instead.  You’re on a roll typing then have to come to a screeching stop and pick an option.  Eh, I guess they figure most people don’t know their state’s two-letter abbreviation.

3. Why there needs to be a “cancel” button on a toaster.  What the deuce?  Back in the day… when I walked to school in the snow uphill both ways… you simply pushed the lever up.  And it worked just fine.  Why wouldn’t that still work?

4. Why “the little people” donate to political campaigns.  After the election you are no longer important to them.  Plus, “neck-and-neck” races end up being 10 point blow-outs, anyway.

5. Why people thank Facebook group administrators for approving their membership in the group.  Is there a skeleton in your closet as to why they might not?

So there ya go.  A handful of life’s mysteries.

…and Go!

Stop it.  Just stop it.

Where you see this is primarily on social media, someone asking for a recommendation, i.e.: “Who is the best toenail clipper in Metropolis… and Go!”

Excuse me?

Fuck you.

I’m not your little personal assistant.  Asking for ideas and recommendations is cool.  Adding this tag at the end that treats everybody in the world as their personal concierge service is rude and tacky.  Just stop it.  You’re not that special to expect everyone to jump at your whim.

Even if you’re not appreciative, you should still show some couth and act like you are.

I can say truthfully when I see “…and go!” I will pro-actively NOT “go”, but I also know it’s something of an empty stubbornness on my part because you will invariably get 45 different people offering 45 different “bests”, which makes me wonder what people get out of it anyway… but that’s another topic for another post.

That’s all I have to say about that.

Concert Etiquette

Attending a loud rock concert is supposed to be a fun event. Oh, it has its drawbacks, i.e. tight crowds, price gouging for souvenirs and refreshments, herding around with the random masses, partial hearing loss for a day and a half, etc., but we’re willing to forge ahead for the entertainment. Right?

One would think. Yet some don’t seem to know this. There is a definite lack of consideration for others. People’s attitudes in everything anymore seems to be, “I got mine, fuck you!”, so why should a concert be any different?

It’s time we be reminded of some “guidelines” for concert attending. Some of these also apply to movies, sporting events, and other places where large crowds gather and attention to the event is desired.

1. Arrive early enough to get your souvenirs, get your refreshments, use the potty, and be in your seat when the lights go down and the music starts. A band often starts their set with a popular song, and here you are climbing over people and/or making them get up and move around awkwardly because you can’t manage your time. Sorry, not sorry, that’s rude.

2. Relating to one item in #1, potty before you sit down. Potty during intermission. Potty after the show is over.

3. Why are you attending a concert if getting up every 15 minutes to go get another beer is your #1 priority?

4. Hate to break it to you, but that audio/video footage from your phone is going to be crap. Too many people have no idea other people behind them actually want to see the show and will hold their phone up to record entire songs. Newsflash: I don’t want to see the show through your phone screen. Live in the moment, if you have to raise your phone above your own eyes, just… don’t.

5. Shades of point #1, the show is about 3 minutes from being over… the band is rocking and concluding with an over-the-top finish… and here you are climbing over people and/or making them stand up and move awkwardly around, missing the show’s climax… all because you want to “beat the traffic” on the way out. Really? Seriously? This is, by far, the most selfish and inconsiderate thing you can do at a concert.

6. …and I will catch crap for this, but… SIT DOWN!!! Especially if you’re in the balcony or far enough away from the stage the performers will never see you standing anyway. If you want to dance around and stuff, more power to ya, but go to the back and do it there so others can enjoy the show in their own way as much as you want to enjoy it.

Why The Grump Does Not Do Third-Party Delivery

It’s been over a year now since I stopped using third-party delivery, but from what I’m hearing things haven’t changed much. I bet you’re wondering why, aren’t you? Well, I’m here to tell ya… 😉

It’s expensive. Not only am I tipping, which is fine in and of itself, but the delivery fees are outrageous, and I have seen times when there are two fees. It can approach doubling the cost of the meal. Granted, the fee by itself is justified as they have a business, too, but there is a limit and they pass it.

Inserting a “middle-man” confuses everything if there are issues that need to be resolved. I once had an order double-billed to my credit card. It took over four months to get someone to give me a refund for one of them. The delivery service wanted to push it off on to the restaurant, the restaurant wanted to push it off on to the delivery service. Basically, both of them just wanted me to go away. Only after writing a snail mail letter to the restaurant telling them they now had all the money from both charges and explaining what happened in detail, did they send me an apology and a refund.

Some services impose themselves on restaurants without permission. Some of these also use outdated menus, deceiving the customer.

Delivery drivers can be unprofessional. I was pre-tipping because it was during the pandemic and I wanted contactless delivery, but I would read delivery drivers online say they wouldn’t even accept an order unless there was a huge pre-tip involved. Ya know what, buddy, screw you, you don’t deserve my business at all. Yes, I tipped and I tipped well, but my order shouldn’t have to depend on the whims of some self-entitled punk-ass kid.

Quality of service itself is spotty, 50/50, at best. I have indeed had some great experiences, but I have had some absolutely horrible experiences, too. One driver let my food sit at the restaurant for 25 minutes before she left the restaurant, then delivered two other orders across town before dropping mine off (I was watching her tracker and the clock the whole time, and I bet she accepted three orders and waited for them all), 55 minutes after the restaurant signaled it was ready, which by then was ice cold. This was the end for me, it was after this experience I swore off third-party delivery. So instead I pick it up myself or I stick to places that do their own delivery. The no middle-man aspect, especially, is huge. To the point above regarding the double-charge, with no middle-man they have to deal with me.

Having said all that, I do believe third-party delivery has a legitimate future, but that day is not today. The industry needs to mature and work out the kinks. When it does, I’ll probably come back.

Be More Like Dogs

We’re flawed.

Have you ever been walking along and stumble over nothing but your own big feet?  We all have.  There’s nothing strange about that.  But what do you do when that happens?  Ok, you get up, of course, but what else?

You feel embarrassed, and… you look around to see if anybody saw you.  Don’t lie.  Don’t kid yourself.  You do and you know it.  Don’t pretend your above it.  You don’t want to feel like your dignity is lessened.  It’s part of the human experience, and it’s flawed.  I do not know if it’s natural or learned, but it’s there.

You stumble and fall.  You get up and brush yourself off, and you look around, already thinking how you will give a fake laugh and try to “blow it off” to others just in case they saw it.  You have to save face, you know.  And God forbid someone recorded it and you end up on a funny video show.

But what would a dog do?

When a dog stumbles over nothing but their own paws and falls, they get up, and… resume walking as if nothing happened.  That’s it.  Nothing else.  There is no internal feeling of shame or embarrassment.  They literally could not care less if a person or another dog saw them do it.

Think about this.  Maybe this is one reason why dogs seem to be happier and less troubled than humans.  They don’t sweat the small stuff.  And a minor stumble is the small stuff.  It doesn’t hurt anything, it doesn’t affect anything, we should get right up and continue on just like dogs do… but we allow emotional baggage to creep in.

Be more like a dog.

 

Was There a Game?

Last week there was a reasonably important football game on television.  Whole days and drunken get-togethers are wrapped around this event, so for poops and cackles I will give a run-down how my day went.

First off, I normally do not watch football anymore.  I have a few favorite teams, but know few players, so there’s that.

The ridiculously long pre-game show I did not watch.  Nothing but repetitive crap, and I mean crap.  Mundane empty interviews.  Pedantic player profiles,  You get the idea.

The “start time” for the game was something like 5:30 pm, local time.  But that’s just the television start time.  The game itself, after the pomp and circumstances, overly-dramatic singing of the National Anthem, absurdly drama-ish flipping of the coin, long drawn-out player introductions, the meeting of a foot on the ball is usually 30 to 45 minutes after that.  I skipped that, too.

I tuned in roughly 6:20 pm, the 1st quarter was roughly half over.  One team was up 7-0, but I really hadn’t missed anything.  I no longer give a crap about the commercials, either.  Look, can we be serious?  The commercials have long been over-hyped for at least 30 years.  I’m sorry, but they’re no longer the big deal so many people still think they are.

Ok, so half-time is coming up, just about zero time, so I change the channel.  I have no interest in the ridiculously long performances, either.  I heard it was good.  Don’t care.  I had to give sufficient time so I didn’t tune back in until half way into the 3rd quarter.

Oh, last play, zero countdown… switch the channel, I’m gone.  Don’t need or want mind-numbing shallow post-game interviews, either.

Long story short, why isn’t it about the GAME anymore?  Does anyone really like all that superfluous crap?  And don’t even get me start on the insipid highlighting of celebrities throughout the entire game.  Does anyone really care?  Anyone?

Five Rule Changes “Wheel of Fortune” Needs to Be Better

Everything needs improvement, even the game show Wheel of Fortune, so here’s some rule changes The Grump would like to see…

  1. Cannot guess vowels 2 times in a row. Guess a vowel, then you have to guess a consonant before you are allowed to guess another vowel.
  2. Vacation prizes should not count toward the person’s winnings for getting to the final round.  It’s not fair to the other contestants as the vacation almost always seals the deal and shuts everybody else out.
  3. With the exception of the million dollar prize panel, Bankrupt should count for that puzzle round only.  In other words, if you win a “Wild Card” in puzzle one, landing on Bankrupt in puzzle 3 would have no effect, you get to keep the Wild Card.
  4. Any ‘free ride’ (guessing without contestants spinning the wheel), i.e. Express, Toss-ups, etc., should be consonants only.
  5. The letters K, Q, X, and Z, should be double value… including in the final round for the entire prize money, but only if you called it in your added letters.

Some added suggestions, but not totally necessary.

  • Game shows should be legally required to pay taxes on all winnings.
  • Require contestants to “bet the house”, put something up of value like in gambling.  That’d make it interesting.  I could hear it now… contestant loses, Pat says, “Ok, guys, take away the furniture!”

Thoughts?

The (Perceived) and Real Evils of Self-Checkout

Self-checkout seems to be a fairly controversial thing, and we all know The Grump is all about controversy, and I’ve been thinking of writing on this subject for awhile.  First off, let’s be real, some of the “reasons” for being against them are really dumb… as is the case with so many things in today’s society, not just in politics.  Things from “I’m not employed here”, and so on.  But if you’re as old as I am and you remember having to go inside to pay for your gas instead of pay at the pump that argument is specious.

Anyway, let’s take a quick look at some reasons in the photo attached…

1) They kill jobs.

Ok, I suppose they could.  I mean, there are fewer people up front, and for some businesses that would be a definite boon.

2) Self-checkout machines don’t contribute with payroll taxes.

This is really combined with #1, and like I said it could be true, but… as my good friend Lisa pointed out to me… if the store is now moving those people to be individual shoppers for curbside pick-up then nothing is being lost in either point.  So much for those points.

3) They are really not that convenient.

Convenience depends, both on the individual and the situation.  When I have just a few items they’re very convenient.  When I have a cart full of groceries they very not convenient… at all.

Moving on with my commentary:

But none of that is why I don’t like them. Why I don’t like them is stores go out of their way to make sure using a human checker is so inconvenient I’ll want to give up and just do it myself.  They… the stores… take away my legitimate choices.

Look, I don’t expect every aisle open, but I also don’t want to see 6+ full carts lined up for a single human checker.  I’m sorry, I want a reasonable and realistic option of using a human check per #3 above, depending on MY needs, not the store’s desires.  It’s the way self-checkouts are used to make the shopping experience even more inconvenient and disrespectful to the customer.