Life would be enhanced if I could have superpowers. We all want superpowers, don’t we? I mean, who wouldn’t? My life would be greatly enhanced with superpowers. Now, I could go for things like enact world peace, or cure cancer, or some other selfless act, but where’s the fun in that? No, I want “revenge superpowers”.
This does preclude something like the ability to see through clothing. I think Superman had that one, but I forget. That has a certain… provocative allure to it. There would be downsides, though. You’d have to be able to pick and choose whose clothes you were ignoring. Don’t want to see just anybody. Plus, looking through clothing you wouldn’t be seeing people in their perfection. The clothes would still be there, so you’d be seeing their body all stuffed in and wrinkled and unnaturally pushed here and there, not unlike a homemade sausage. And do you really want to see the entire muffin along with the muffin top? I’m sorry, but that doesn’t sound as appealing as one might think.
Presuming the genie would give me only three superpowers, here’s what I’d choose…
The ability to have the entire road pull over to the side while I drive where I want to, unhindered. Readers of The Grump know that other drivers is a pet-peeve of mine. This is numero uno. People just need to get out of my way. This includes police and ambulances and fire trucks. Now, in my own magnanimous way, my superpower would include the ability to heal whoever is being transported by the ambulance, or reverse the fire the fire truck is going to. The Grump just wants people out of his way, he doesn’t want to be a jerk about it.
The ability to disable all cell phones within a 150 foot radius of me at concerts. The Grumpess and I went to see Alice Cooper a couple nights ago. Truly an awesome show. We had great seats. The man may be 70 years old, but he can still bring it! He even played one of my favorite songs from a semi-obscure album from 1980 that he hadn’t played live since 1982 until this leg of this tour. It was a perfect night… except for the lady in front of me that kept raising her phone in the air, in my direct line of sight, throughout the show. And for what, some crappy photos and videos that she will probably forget about after next week. It was rude! I was tempted to knock on her head and tell her to stop, but an arrest for starting a riot wasn’t exactly in The Grump’s best interests. So now, I want the ability to disable ALL cell phones around me so that I can enjoy the show. I don’t think that’s unreasonable at all.
The ability to remember where I put my keys, and my wallet, and my glasses… all the time. For anyone who is getting up there in age, this is self-explanatory. What’s that you say? I should just designate a place and always put them there? Bless yer heart.
There ya go.