Condolences

One of the worst feelings in the world is for something tragic to happen and for you to have nothing to say.  You know that no matter what you say it won’t make them feel better, but you feel the need to say something anyway, as saying nothing will be perceived negatively, too.  Yes, like I alluded to before, you feel helpless in your inability to help.

But don’t you fear.  There are time tested solutions to this quandary.  There are things you can do that are sure-fire guaranteed to not only help, but put the grieving person in a warn-and-fuzzy mood, if not a fit of belly-laughter rolling on the floor.

And what are those things, you might ask?  (Yes, I’m dragging this out… you’d think I’m getting paid by the word.)  Well, I’m going to tell you.  Here they are.  Ready?  I even offer my own sage advice at the end.  I should charge for this, it’s gold!  Here we go…

Prayers:  “I’ll say a prayer.”, “I’m sending prayers your way.”, “You’re in my prayers.”, and so on.  Obviously, this is from the religious, and one would hope for the religious, but then religious people often subconsciously believe they can save the world with their hope and kindness, don’t they?  I’ve always wondered, what do non-religious people think when offered prayers?  I’m pretty sure most roll their eyes and say nothing, maybe offer back a weak smile of acceptance.  Bringing this scenario along to it’s next logical step… what do non-religious people offer to others?  The answer is obvious, of course, they offer the vaunted…

“Good Vibes”:  “I’m sending good vibes your way.”, and other such thoughts.  These phrases are usually uttered in lieu of prayer by non-religious people, and I’m sure they mean well, but do they actually think it’s meaningful?  Think about this for a moment.  If they reject prayers, even though prayers ostensibly are backed by a supreme being who can literally smite the earth without a moment’s notice, then what the hell are “good vibes” good for?  I mean, really.  Do you really think things will go well for the other person simply because YOU wished it?

So, what do you do for the person for whom neither of these would be appropriate?  The answer is so blindingly obvious that I’m sure you saw it coming before you got this far.  You offer them your…

Thoughts and Prayers:  “Our thoughts and prayers are with you.”  Yeah, thanks for nothing.  Aside from being the preferred political alternative… which alone should make us wary of it… this is the double-whammy.  You get both, prayers and vibes, divine intervention AND the personal Jedi-like assistance of the well-wisher.  How can you go wrong with that?

To sum up, instead of all this meaningless crap that you don’t really mean anyway… c’mon, we all know you are secretly hoping they will never ever call on you to help them like you offered… say this instead and the world will be a better and more honest place…

“Suck it up, Buttercup.”, and walk away.